Finding the Light in the Darkness
“For one who has conquered the mind, the mind is the best of friends, but for one who has failed to do so, the mind will be the greatest enemy.” [Bhagavad Gita Chapter 6 Verse 6]
Yoga means “unity” in sanskrit. On a spiritual level it means unification of the individual consciousness with the universal consciousness (or Paramatma, the Supersoul). Boiled down the practice of yoga leads to a harmony of body and mind through physical postures (asanas) and intentional deep breathing (pranayama) among a few other practices that are meant to prepare our bodies for meditation.
I found yoga, or maybe yoga found me, when I was in a darker period of my life. I was struggling with body dysmorphia and an eating disorder otherwise not specified while also trying to work out deeply felt traumas of childhood in therapy. I was lost in a whirlwind of feelings of blame, resentment, fear, guilt, and unworthiness. I felt utterly lost and ungrounded, like I was floating through life.
One day I decided to go to a yoga class— not for relaxation purposes or to become “best friends” with my mind. No. I was going to a yoga class because I was anxious that I was not working out enough and that I needed to vary my workout routine. Routine was my best friend. My mind was far from my best friend. When I think of the word “routine” I typically think of a person with positive attributes like stability, focus, and determination. My routine was a negative routine impacting my mind in ways I was not aware of. My mind and my true self were covered by a layer of dust that had accumulated over time. The dust was the perception I had of myself, the labels my mind created about myself. The routine I had made for myself (fasting, working out too much, feeling motivated by putting myself down, and drinking to fight my pain) was building a wall around my heart that would not let any light in. There were no cracks in this fortress I had spent years meticulously crafting.
I went to the yoga class in the modest studio next to my apartment in my neighborhood. The lavender painted walls, the smell of sage, the Buddha statue in the corner, and the chakra paintings hanging above the doorway made me instantly feel like this was a space I could feel safe in. I also met the yoga teacher with the soft brown eyes and the genuine, kind voice who ended up encouraging me to take the 200 hour yoga teacher training years later.
I practiced yoga that day for my body, but what I left with was something much deeper. I left that yoga class feeling more connected to something inside of me than ever before. I felt connected to my true self, my soul. I remember crying in Savasana, final resting pose, because a crack had been made in the wall around my heart. Light was beginning to seep in. I felt a release and a little more grounded in who I was. The layers of dust were beginning to peel off.
Over time a combination of self-care rituals and routines became a grounding force in my life. Yoga was a huge shift in my consciousness. My work in therapy was life altering as well, but yoga really felt like my own personal practice. It was mine. I was teaching myself, with my own body, that I was more than just my body. I was more than just my feelings. I was more than just my thoughts. I was more than just my accomplishments. I was more than what happened in my past. I AM more than all of those things. I am more than my mind. Yoga empowered me. I was empowering myself through the ritual of connecting postures and movements to deep breathing. I was becoming more mindful and as a result becoming friends with my mind. More cracks developed in the wall around my heart with each moving meditation I practiced.
Fast forward five years and here I am still practicing, still clearing the dust off the mirror of my soul. So much dust has cleared. I have to remind myself of this when I feel like I’m sliding back into old patterns. It’s easy to slide into old patterns and let the mind take over, but then our walls begin to build again and we close ourselves off from our own self love, love from others, and ultimately love from the divine universe.
Fall is a season where I begin to feel less grounded than usual. In Ayurveda, yoga’s sister science, it is said that the season of Fall, the Vata season, is a season that is airy. This airy season can cause imbalances within us that manifest as feelings of agitation, restlessness, anxiety, and spaciness. Fall is also a busy time for me as a school teacher so I tend to slide into the darkness a little more easily and give myself excuses for being too busy for my self-care routine.
My self-care routine of yoga asana, deep breathing, chanting mantra, playing harmonium, eating nourishing meals, sleeping enough hours at night, and even just taking the extra time to exfoliate my skin in the shower have become the sacred rituals that connect me back to my true self. These are rituals that bring me away from identifying only as this body or this mind— or this feeling I had today or this thing I said to that person. It’s so important for me to check myself when I begin feeling a little more anxious or agitated, “What have I been prioritizing lately? How can I incorporate one part of my self-care routine today to cleanse off this dust on my heart?”
Loving service to others brings our minds away from the ego and the false self and allows the mind to become the best friend. However before we help others we must help ourselves.
I guess what I’m trying to say is… what have you been prioritizing lately? Can you do one thing today to bring your attention back to your true self and not what the mind has labeled you as? If you fall down, you can always spring back up.
